"All righty, are we all clear on the plan?" Bill studied his gang's faces. He was a little nervous; it was his first time as the leader of a hold-up.
"Plan is simple enough," replied Lefty-Lou, "Piece of cake."
"I'm going to say this again," said Bill, "no screw-ups. No shooting, unless absolutely necessary. They look harder for murderers than bank robbers."
"We hear ya," said One-Eyed-Jake.
"Good!" The word shot out like a bullet from a gun. "Keep it clean."
"Let's rootin' tootin' do this!" Karen's excitement and keenness showed how green she was.
"Rootin' tootin'?" One-Eyed-Jack stared at Karen as best he could.
"What, you don't say 'Rootin' Tootin''?"
"No Karen, we don't," replied Lefty-Lou, embarrassed on behalf of his girlfriend.
"See you all at sunrise. Make sure you bring these masks..."
"Wait, what?" asked Karen.
"Masks, bring them," snapped Bill.
"You didn't say nothin' about masks, Lefty," said Karen.
The rest of the gang glared at Karen creating an awkward silence.
"Erm..." said Left-Lou, shifting on his chair and straightening his hair, "this is a hold-up. We are..." he mimed waving a gun, "...robbing a bank."
"I can't wear a mask!" Said Karen, horrified. "What are trying to do, kill me?"
"Look, little lady," growled Bill through gritted teeth, "We are bank robbers. Criminals. You have to wear a goddammed mask!"
Karen shook her head. "No. No. No. Let me clue you up on masks."
Lefty-Lou covered his face with his hand.
"Masks cover your face so you won't be recognised," said Bill, slamming his fist onto the table.
"No, couldn't possibly wear a mask," Karen persisted, "how do you expect me to rob a bank if I can't breathe properly?"
"If you're recognised, the sheriff will come after me," said Lefty-Lou, "and then Bill and One-Eyed-Jake."
"I wanna spend our money, not get banged up," said One-Eyed-Jake, his bad eye twitching.
"You either wear the mask, or you're out." Bill threw a mask at Karen.
"Oh, I see," said Karen, throwing her arms up in the air, "It's like that is it. I refuse to wear a mask and you're kicking me out? You're persecuting me because I want to breathe!"
The three men stared at her, but she refused to be intimidated.
"Look," she said, calming down, "if you want to cover your faces, go ahead. All I'm saying is, I need my face clear of obstructions. You wouldn't want me passing out, would you?"
"No, no, we wouldn't," said One-Eyed Jack.
"There, you see?" Said Karen, missing One-Eyed Jack's sarcasm. "No one knows I rob banks. How could I be recognised?"
"Change of plan," said Bill, "I'm moving the robbery back a day. Get plenty of rest, Karen. Sleep in as much as you want. Why don't you make us a pot of coffee?"
"I knew you would see sense," replied Karen. There was a skip in her step as she went into the kitchen.
Bill lent forward and whispered to his friends, "A three-way cut it is then."
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
27 June 2020
15 May 2020
Vulva Woman - A Satire
Patricia Green, Patty to her few friends, was an ordinary girl. She was unremarkable in every way it was possible to be unremarkable. As a pupil, she ranked in the middle of the class, gaining little notice from her teachers. She failed to win praise for academic achievement and did not need extra help like the slower children. It was a similar story on the sports field.
Patty was one of the girls who attracted little attention from boys. Not pretty enough to be an object of desire and not plain enough to be the butt of jibes. She had boyfriends but the relationships were short and lacklustre.
After entering the adult world, she found a job as an administrator. It was an ordinary job for an ordinary, young woman. It suited her to a tee. She was competent in her role, but as she had been in her childhood, largely invisible.
And then one day her life changed. Watching recent science fiction and fantasy films and television transformed her. It awakened the power of her femininity. She became Vulva Woman. Gone was the old Patty Green. Swept aside was the invisible introvert. Now came the realisation she could do absolutely anything she wanted without any prior knowledge or training.
On Monday, she challenged the production manager. It turns out he was a white man. With no prior experience of production management or human resources, she sacked four men who had the combined experience of 98 years with the company. She replaced them with an autistic friend, Sandra, a random pre-op transexual she spotted in B&M Bargains and two single mothers, one of whom was being violently abused by her recently estranged husband.
On Tuesday, buoyed up by yesterday's success, she went into the supply chain department. It turned out the supply chain manager was a white man. She discovered he was not running the department efficiently. She demoted the senior production planner, a white man with ten years' experience and replaced him with the young, black woman who had joined the company on a graduate programme. She was young and naive, and had only been with the company for ten weeks. She wore yoga pants on dress down Friday. The cameltoe made her the talk of the office, but it did show that she had an impressive vulva and, therefore, was more than qualified for the job.
On Wednesday, she went to customer services. The department's manager was a middle-aged woman with three children. Most of the members of her staff were also female. While it would have been better for the manager to be non-white or a lesbian, there was not much to do here. She put in a recommendation that the company sponsor sex-change operations for her two male colleagues.
By Thursday she was on a roll. The chief financial officer put in every resistance that he could, but his whiteness and his maleness were no match for the power of the vulva. It helped that the financial director was a woman, but she wore power suits. Patty pointed out that the FD was kowtowing to the patriarchy. At lunchtime, they went shopping. They both returned to work in new, much more feminine outfits. The CFO was outmatched. By the end of the day, he cleared his desk and was gone.
On Friday, Patty set her sights on the CEO. He was a white man, old enough to be her father. Hardly a suitable person to be running a company. Dislodging him was going to much trickier, but she had a plan. By the end of the day, the two were having a sordid affair. It was not an inappropriate cameltoe that was the talk of the office that day but Patty's antics in the boss's desk.
During the weekend, Patty and the CEO flew to Paris for a romantic weekend. With some clever manoeuvring, she arranged for the CEO's wife to discover the affair.
Over the coming weeks, despite her lack of legal training, Patty represented the CEO in the divorce court. The wife got next to nothing, not even the dog. Patty married the CEO and all was well. He changed his will to leave everything to her, cutting out his children. Two of the CEO's children were men and, therefore, stupid. They murdered their father in revenge. The police easily caught them, with Patty as the star witness, the Crown successfully prosecuted them and they spent the rest of their male lives behind bars.
Patty inherited the company. She began a lesbian affair with the CEO's surviving daughter and the two were married.
Everyone and Patty's vulva lived happily ever after having conversations that had nothing to do with men.
Patty was one of the girls who attracted little attention from boys. Not pretty enough to be an object of desire and not plain enough to be the butt of jibes. She had boyfriends but the relationships were short and lacklustre.
After entering the adult world, she found a job as an administrator. It was an ordinary job for an ordinary, young woman. It suited her to a tee. She was competent in her role, but as she had been in her childhood, largely invisible.
And then one day her life changed. Watching recent science fiction and fantasy films and television transformed her. It awakened the power of her femininity. She became Vulva Woman. Gone was the old Patty Green. Swept aside was the invisible introvert. Now came the realisation she could do absolutely anything she wanted without any prior knowledge or training.
On Monday, she challenged the production manager. It turns out he was a white man. With no prior experience of production management or human resources, she sacked four men who had the combined experience of 98 years with the company. She replaced them with an autistic friend, Sandra, a random pre-op transexual she spotted in B&M Bargains and two single mothers, one of whom was being violently abused by her recently estranged husband.
On Tuesday, buoyed up by yesterday's success, she went into the supply chain department. It turned out the supply chain manager was a white man. She discovered he was not running the department efficiently. She demoted the senior production planner, a white man with ten years' experience and replaced him with the young, black woman who had joined the company on a graduate programme. She was young and naive, and had only been with the company for ten weeks. She wore yoga pants on dress down Friday. The cameltoe made her the talk of the office, but it did show that she had an impressive vulva and, therefore, was more than qualified for the job.
On Wednesday, she went to customer services. The department's manager was a middle-aged woman with three children. Most of the members of her staff were also female. While it would have been better for the manager to be non-white or a lesbian, there was not much to do here. She put in a recommendation that the company sponsor sex-change operations for her two male colleagues.
By Thursday she was on a roll. The chief financial officer put in every resistance that he could, but his whiteness and his maleness were no match for the power of the vulva. It helped that the financial director was a woman, but she wore power suits. Patty pointed out that the FD was kowtowing to the patriarchy. At lunchtime, they went shopping. They both returned to work in new, much more feminine outfits. The CFO was outmatched. By the end of the day, he cleared his desk and was gone.
On Friday, Patty set her sights on the CEO. He was a white man, old enough to be her father. Hardly a suitable person to be running a company. Dislodging him was going to much trickier, but she had a plan. By the end of the day, the two were having a sordid affair. It was not an inappropriate cameltoe that was the talk of the office that day but Patty's antics in the boss's desk.
During the weekend, Patty and the CEO flew to Paris for a romantic weekend. With some clever manoeuvring, she arranged for the CEO's wife to discover the affair.
Over the coming weeks, despite her lack of legal training, Patty represented the CEO in the divorce court. The wife got next to nothing, not even the dog. Patty married the CEO and all was well. He changed his will to leave everything to her, cutting out his children. Two of the CEO's children were men and, therefore, stupid. They murdered their father in revenge. The police easily caught them, with Patty as the star witness, the Crown successfully prosecuted them and they spent the rest of their male lives behind bars.
Patty inherited the company. She began a lesbian affair with the CEO's surviving daughter and the two were married.
Everyone and Patty's vulva lived happily ever after having conversations that had nothing to do with men.
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